My husband and I haven’t always agreed on our approach to technology with our son.

“If she could have her way and our jobs didn’t depend on it, there would be no screens in our life. She is a modern-day Luddite.” He once laughingly told our family therapist.

My video game-loving ADHD husband saw me as completely technology adverse, someone who balked at the idea of computers and screens anywhere within a 10-foot radius of our perilously developing son’s brain.

And while my husband perceived me as strict, inflexible, old-fashioned, and scared, I was busy analyzing him too – stubborn, impulsive, irresponsible, distracted, a bad influence on our son, and maybe even addicted – you name it.

The truth is, neither of us was entirely wrong.

And yet, we both had some exaggerated reality of our own truths.

Add our growing son’s opinions, determination, and questionable addiction, into the mix and, what is a stressed, irritated, divided family to do?

The Challenges With Evaluating Screen Time For Kids

While technology can be a great help when it comes to managing stress, it’s no secret that technology can also be a major source of stress for both parents and kids, not to mention when the parents don’t always see eye to eye, or when you throw ADHD into the mix.

With technology changing at such a rapid pace, scientific-based evidence of screen usage is still lacking. Still, professional organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) are stepping in with recommendations.

AAP calls for no screen time at all for children until 18 to 24 months, except for video chatting, and says kids ages 2 to 5 should get an hour or less of screen time per day.

Older children should limit nonacademic screen time to two hours a day and teenagers only slightly more.

It also recommends a Family Media Use Plan for older kids, in which parents and children negotiate limits and boundaries around screen usage.

How My Husband And I Got On A Similar Page Around Technology

After several years of disagreements, a few conversations with our ADHD family therapist, and many shed tears, my husband and I agreed that our son’s increased angry/mean energy eerily corresponded with his screen time. 

The cause and effect could no longer be denied.

My husband and I quickly became more honest, accountable, flexible, communicative, and understanding. 

We reviewed our Home Learning Road Map then agreed upon a few common ground rules around technology, not just for our son but for our family as a whole. After all, why should he be held accountable and not us? Is our obsession with screen time and disregard for other areas of life more justified just because we are older?

Our ground rules evolved based on our observations of when and how screen time impacted other areas of our lives.

And now, here is our (collective) advice on setting limits on screen time to have a better relationship with technology and each other. 

How To Set Limits On Screen Time

Clearly Explain the “Problem” with Technology

Making sure children (and adults in the home!) understand the reason behind a rule you set is helpful in gaining buy-in. Rather than technology (or you) becoming the enemy, explain the why behind the limitations being set. 

Is the use of technology really bad, or has it simply started impacting other areas of your child’s life? Is your child disengaging with activities such as their learning, physical health, and relationships? Are they becoming mean or using their online time inappropriately? Is it impacting their sleep?

Explain that when these things occur, that’s when technology becomes a “problem” and needs to be examined. Express the need for balance. Technology can be a wonderful source of learning and relaxation as long as it doesn’t become debilitating, stripping away our ability to show up as our best selves in life.

Set Clear and Consistent Rules Around Screen Time

When establishing new rules, it’s normal for kids (and some parents!) to push back, asking to change the rule or throwing tantrums. I understand the desire to give in slightly, second guess yourself, or feel flustered in the moment by “gray” areas.

Make sure the rule you set is clear, not only for your kids, but for yourself. Give the rule two weeks before making any adjustments. Usually, your kids will adjust within a week or two. It’s important to keep the rule consistent during that time and avoid making exceptions at first. And it’s best not to debate about the rule—once it’s set, it’s not up for discussion.

To prevent technology from taking over, consider delegating media-free times (meals, 30 minutes or more before bed etc.) and media-free zones (bedrooms, outdoor spaces, etc.)..

Be Open, Honest, and Accountable

Since establishing our ground rules, it’s been much easier to communicate as a family when one of us is feeling frustrated with the increased or decreased use of technology. As a family, we now hold each other accountable. 

My 8-year-old son will sometimes tell my husband to stop playing games or point out when I’m being too rigid with the rules, opening up space for more reasonable discussions.

Be Flexible and Understanding

While we do set firmer time limits now, I learned that some games have natural stopping points (such as advancing to a certain level) while others are open-ended.

Learning to base the agreed-upon endpoint (either achievement-based or time-based) accordingly helped alleviate frustration and arguments.

In return, my husband has learned to respect the stopping points, helping my son understand why they are necessary. 

Let Kids Controle Their Technology Use, Within Limits

Compiling our weekly screen times has given my son more control over his choices and actions. He is allowed to choose how he spends his two-hour screen time on Saturdays. Most weeks he chooses to watch shows, occasionally he chooses to spend the time playing video games, and frequently he decides on a mix of the two activities, learning how to manage his time and when to transition from one to the other.

The other thing my son is learning is that he has control over his relationship with technology. If he starts obsessing or refusing to transition to the next activity when time is over, he understands he will lose his weekly privilege. 

On the other hand, if all is going well and he has a healthy relationship with his screen sessions, is engaging with other non-screen activities, is helpful, and interacting well with the family, he knows I will be more inclined to approve an additional short screen session during the week.

Encourage Other Activities

There are many ways to have fun. Running around outside, playing a sport, reading books, doing crafts—variety is important for a balanced life. Encourage your kids to develop a wide range of interests. Model yourself doing this, too. Let your kids see you reading a book and making things and having a hobby. Finally, present these things as just as rewarding as screen time—not alternatives to it. Equal billing is important.

Meet Your Child’s Need in the Real World

There are several reasons your child could have a technology obsession. Are they seeking Adventure? Fantasy? Excitement? Achievement? Perhaps they are feeling depressed, lonely or anxious? Once you identify your child’s motivations, see if you can find ways of helping your child meet those needs in the real world.

Be a Role Model for Technology

One of the most important ways we can help our children (in any area of life), is to be a good role model—something you probably already know. However, most people don’t do what they know because, well, easier said than done, right?

Set technology limits for yourself too. Do you find yourself regularly reaching for your phone during dinner or while spending “quality time” with your kid(s) or spouse? Is the TV often on in the background? Perhaps it’s time to evaluate your own role in your children’s relationship with technology.

Find the Balance

Helping your child find a healthy balance is far more valuable than teaching them to obey your rules. The ultimate goal is to teach healthy technology use.

Seek Nature

Nature is a great way to unwind, reconnect with oneself and get any technology frustrations out of the system. It’s a great way for kids (and adults!) to practice mindfulness and/or get in some much-needed exercise, balancing the more sedentary technology time.

Create a Screen Time Contracct for You and Your Kids

Making a family screen time contract is a great way for you and your child to set boundaries together. Brainstorm together so that the contract:

• Holds everyone accountable with a child and parent section.
• Has firm guidelines about the types of apps and sites that are and are not acceptable
• Has clear consequences if the agreement is broken
• Builds in a regular review period for the contract to be adjusted, as needed
• Gives the child some responsibility and allows for growth and personal learning

Working together on a contract can help you feel more like teammates and less like opponents when it comes to managing screen time.

Use this Family Media Contract template as a starting point. Once you’ve both agreed to it and signed it, keep it someplace handy so you can both review it regularly.

What are your biggest struggles around technology in your home?